I'm so vain

One of the great lyrical mysteries of our time is about to be solved today on Six String Sanctuary. Namely: Who was Carly Simon's object of scorn in "You're So Vain" -- the song that catapulted her to stardom back in 1973?

Ladies and gentlemen, the popular choices:

A) Warren Beatty
B) James Taylor
C) Kris Kristofferson
D) Hugh Heffner
E) Arnold Schwarzenegger

Exhaustive research has been done in an effort to uncloak the mystery man. The song's lyrics have been meticulously broken down and scrutinized. Who flew on a Learjet? Who had ties to Nova Scotia? What about Saratoga, he must be a horse lover! Who would walk into a party with an apricot scarf besides ... Elton John? Clues everywhere, but never a resolution. Until now.

Simon has remained coy from the start, passing out a hint from time to time but never calling her man out. C'mon Carly, it's not like this is Deep Throat. Cough it up! The truth is, all of the aforementioned men -- and millions like them -- belong in the same bucket of vanity. So we must add:

F) all of the above

That is indeed the likely answer. Carly used her artistic license to construct a man of many faults who is part Beatty, part Kristofferson, part Heffner and -- what the hell -- might as well throw me in the fire. Even without a sniff of celebrity I'm as guilty as the rest of them in most measurable categories. All males are.

And yet...

Since I'm the only one in this group willing to man up to my shortcomings, maybe it's time for me to stand up and take the bow. You're right Carly, and you've been right from the start.

I probably think this song is about me.